I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
