So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
