I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
