I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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