I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
