I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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