i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
