I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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