Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
