I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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