I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The power of my boobs compel you
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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