That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
