a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
