This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
