so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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