im six kinds of drunk right now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
