Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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