Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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