I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Send help, water and tortillas.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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