Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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