Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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