OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
