So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
