My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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