who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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