through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
