So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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