im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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