guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I won the penis lottery.
are you so shy because you have an std?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
