If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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