Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
