So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
