my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
