How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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