I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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