Apparently you make a good broom.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
