You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
