We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
