the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
