Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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