i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
