i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
