If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize