I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
