He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
