did you get engaged???
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
