I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
