The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
