You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
