3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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