I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
