is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
