There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
