Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I fill condoms, not promises.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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