Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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