I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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