Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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