Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
