While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
