the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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